Autism Acceptance: A New Understanding of Neurodivergence

April is Autism Acceptance Month. Autism, which is one type of neurodivergence, has received a lot of attention from the press and social media in the last several years.

There are many people who speak and write about autism, including autistic individuals. If you are autistic or know someone who is or might be, it's important to recognize that that our understanding of autism is evolving. I hope this blog post contributes to improving awareness of the current conception of what it means to be autistic and the implications of this new knowledge. 

The following are some facts about autism that are often unfamiliar to people, but that are important to acknowledge as we move forward in helping autistic people thrive. 

1. You can be autistic your whole life and not realize it until you're an adult. There has been a sharp increase in the number of individuals seeking an assessment to clearly determine if they are autistic in my practice. Many people would not have "met criteria" according to previous standards and sometimes even the current ones in the DSM 5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual). This is why many autistic people prefer to use the term neurodivergent. This term explains that their brain is different, but that it doesn't necessarily fit into the traditional definition of autism. 

2. Autistic people can acquire neurotypical social skills, but this does not mean they are no longer autistic. The behavior they learn by observing others never feels right to them, but they often do it as an attempt to fit in. This is called masking. This doesn't mean that they are comfortable behaving like their peers, or that they find social relationships with their neurotypical peers enjoyable. When autistic people can relax and be themselves without the expectations of typical social exchanges, they can enjoy being with people. For example, the expectation to ask personal questions of a new acquaintance might make them uncomfortable interacting, and that’s not how they typically connect with new people. 

3. Autistic people can have empathy. Sometimes they have quite a bit of empathy, and their emotions can be very intense. They can feel the pain of others tremendously, and it impacts them more deeply than for the average person. So it is not the case that every autistic person lacks empathy and can't relate to others’ pain. It is often the case that they cannot relate to their peers or to the situations that bother or hurt others. 

4. Many experiences that do not bother neurotypical people feel traumatizing for autistic people. The level of trauma and the type of experience varies, but living in a world designed for brains different from theirs can lead to feelings of overwhelm. The school gymnasium, with its bad acoustics and loud voices, a grocery store full of people going in all directions and a large amount of merchandise, or going to an outdoor sporting event that is crowded, such as a stadium where people are loudly cheering and giving each other high-fives, are a few examples of how overstimulation and sensory experiences can negatively affect autistic people. They might not be able to tolerate the situation and might flee physically or withdraw into themselves.  

5. The expectation that autistics can learn to be like everyone else and learn to adjust to environments, and that it's better for them that they do so, is not affirming or in their best interest. Expecting neurodivergent individuals to just deal with the challenges of a neurotypical world is an outdated viewpoint that can be harmful and result in withdrawal and avoidance due to the level of stress it causes. We should let autistic people respond to these situations in the ways that they need to, rather than forcing them to conform to neurotypical behaviors. 

Our developing understanding of autism is the reason that Autism Awareness Month recently became Autism Acceptance Month. The focus has shifted from people teaching autistics how to be neurotypical, to educating neurotypical individuals about neurodivergence. This shift is driven by autistic voices, which includes how to support autistic people as they find ways to engage with the world. This approach does not attempt to correct autism. Instead, neurodiversity affirming care means accepting who they are and supporting them and finding ways to help them become resilient and live a meaningful life. 

This blog was originally posted on Psychology Today.

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How to turn rejection sensitivity into positive growth

Over the last several years, I've had more clients ask me about rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD). While it is not a term used by the DSM, which is the manual of mental health conditions, pop culture and social media influencers use the term frequently to refer to an intense emotional reaction to either real or perceived rejection that impacts the person's functioning in relationships. Nobody enjoys being rejected, but rejection sensitive people experience enduring emotional pain, low self-esteem, and decreased motivation to engage in relationships as a result of this challenge. Rejection sensitivity may occur after a breakup, when there is one-sided romantic interest, or even in friendships, where the person feels as though others are less interested in their friendship. There is some recent research in support of the hypothesis that individuals with ADHD are at a higher risk of rejection sensitivity, but one does not have to have ADHD to experience the misery of rejection.

If you notice that you have a much harder time recovering from any form of rejection, the good news is that there are psychological tools you can use to become more adept at dealing with rejection. In addition, the sensitive reaction that you experience as a result of real or perceived rejection can help you empathize with others who have been rejected. But it's not always easy to think about these things in the midst of feeling the sting of rejection and wondering why it hurts so much. Social and relational rejection can literally be physically painful, according to research. In addition, the pain felt by those sensitive to rejection often leads to greater social avoidance and less effort, informing future friendships and relationships.

Although people who experience rejection sensitivity dysphoria will most likely continue to be more sensitive than the average person, it is possible to become less affected and to build resilience. Self-awareness that you are rejection sensitive is the key to using coping strategies. You must enter social interactions with this knowledge so that you're prepared to question your thoughts and emotions before assuming they are accurate. Then you are also prepared to handle rejection when it does occur. Here are some strategies to help lessen the impact of rejection and gain a realistic perspective on how to navigate potential rejection in your relationships.

Cognitive reframing: are you being rejected?

Imagine that you text a friend to see if they're free on Friday night to hang out. They don't reply to you until Friday afternoon, and then they tell you they have plans that evening. You immediately feel the sting of rejection and question the friendship. The first step is to acknowledge how it feels. The second step is to remember there may be other reasons they aren't available. Some people are bad at responding to texts in a timely way. Ask yourself if this is someone who regularly turns you down, in which case you may not want to invite them out again. But if it’s not a  pattern tell yourself that your friend may have had a tough week, and reach out again some other day. This one instance isn’t necessarily a reflection on the relationship or how they feel about you. This strategy involves reframing your thoughts and resisting reaching conclusions without facts.

Accepting the reality of rejection

Sometimes, your impression will be correct. Everyone gets rejected from something or someone. It is an inevitable occurrence in life. Rejection sensitive people perceive that they get rejected much more often, but they will still experience true rejection. If someone is less interested in being friends with you, or they ghost you after a couple of dates, accepting the reality prevents you from continuing to obsess over what happened. Focus on the people in your life who are loyal, loving, and always there for you. You want people in your life who don't play games and who have enough courage to tell you when you do something they don't like. None of us is everyone's cup of tea. The other reality about rejection is that you will ultimately reject others, and that's OK.

Focus on building self-confidence

Whether RSD is directly related to ADHD or not, it is absolutely related to a person's inner sense of self-worth. Believing in yourself will take away the sting of rejection because you know that you are worthy of having great friends, a romantic partner, and a job that you like. The emotional intensity that occurs in RSD can be tempered by taking a step back to remind yourself of your good qualities. Even if everyone doesn't choose you, a strong sense of self-worth reminds you that the reaction may be disproportionate to the rejection. 

Many people who experience RSD don’t know what to do about it. Although RSD can be a painful emotional experience, you can still turn it into a way to grow and increase your self-worth. If you notice that you're hurting deeply from rejection and having trouble moving on from it, take some time to reflect on why you're having this intense reaction, what it means to you to be rejected, and whether the reaction is truly worth the energy that you are expending. You won’t stop being sensitive to rejection, but being aware that you are more sensitive and using these strategies can help you manage the reactivity so you’re not reacting as disproportionately to it.

Originally published March 29, 2024 on psychologytoday.com.

What is emotional well-being and how do we get it?

On January 30, the popular Sesame Street character Elmo was nice enough to ask everyone how they were doing. Elmo and his friends from Sesame Street probably did not realize what would happen next. Thousands of people replied to his tweet with an outpouring of concerns and despair. The replies covered everything from personal woes, such as broken relationships and lost jobs, to deep despair about climate change. In response to the outpouring, Elmo kindly offered a link to a mental health helpline and some compassion for his followers. #EmotionalWellBeing was important, Elmo stated, and that is his hope for everyone.

So let's talk about what exactly emotional well-being is, what it looks like, and how to achieve it. 

Emotional well-being can be defined as “the emotional quality of an individual’s every day experience, including the frequency and intensity of the experience of joy, stress, sadness, anger, and affection that make one’s life pleasant or unpleasant.” While this definition doesn't distinguish positive emotional well-being from negative emotional well-being, let's assume that Elmo’s desire for us all is to have a positive emotional well-being, and we can focus our discussion on that.

Here are five questions to ask yourself to figure out if your emotional well-being could use some improvement, and how to achieve that.

1. Monitor how much you complain. We all have our moments, our bad days, and our bad seasons of life. Our circumstances are not always within our control, but the ways in which we respond to them can make a big difference. If you notice that you are making many more negative statements about your circumstances, your relationships, or just anything that you find unpleasant, your tendency to focus on the negative is going to affect your emotional well-being. If your friends and loved ones have told you that you complain a lot, before you become defensive, listen to them. If you only view the world through a negative lens, you won't have a very nice view. It becomes harder to identify positive experiences when people profoundly focus on what is wrong with their lives. 

2. Intentionally acknowledge what is positive in your life. Feeling good and maintaining emotional well-being involves more than just the absence of complaining and negative thinking. It also involves the awareness of what is going well in your life, or the things that you consider to be good. This doesn't always have to be major achievements or life events. Positive aspects of your life might include your pets, your friends, your steady income, your hobbies, basically anything that gives you joy. Sometimes, when life seems harder, we forget to acknowledge what is positive. But it's important to do so, to speak it out loud, and to reflect on being grateful for what we have. This act reminds your brain that life is not all bad all the time.

3. Surround yourself with loving, kind people. Some of us are born into big, happy families who consistently care about each other. Many of us are not so fortunate. But as we become adults, we can choose who we spend time with, and who we prefer to keep around for companionship and support. Spend some time noticing how others around you behave. When you are with them, notice how you feel. Do you leave their presence feeling uplifted, hopeful, and supported? If so, you definitely want to keep that person as a part of your life. But if you notice you're starting to feel more pessimistic, your thoughts and emotions are more negative, or you feel really stressed, you want to consider whether this relationship should be permanent. Everyone has bad days, so you don't want to abandon people who are going through a hard time. But if you notice regularly feeling discouraged or burdened after spending time with them, perhaps consider if you should do anything about it. This is especially true if most of your friends or the people who are in your life are unable to support you or make you feel good about yourself. We want people who are rooting for us, and who can bear our pain as well as expect us to endure theirs.

4. Refrain from comparing your circumstances to those of others. Social comparison can destroy emotional well-being. Scrolling through social media posts — wondering why some people lead such great lives, why some people are so beautiful and put together, and how some people never seem to struggle — creates a distorted reality about how well other people are doing. Remember that some people prefer to put their best images out on social media, while keeping the rest of their lives private. Also, remember that you do not know what goes on in other people’s lives, unless they tell you. When you find yourself, wishing you had someone else's life because you saw their Instagram posts, catch yourself, and say something like "good for them! I hope they're happy.”Then keep scrolling.

5. Evaluate when you need to make changes. People who do not reflect on how their life is going often end up lacking emotional well-being. They find themselves stuck in a rut, and they are not aware of how it happened or what to do about it. It is important to consistently reflect on how your life is going. For instance, whether or not your job or career is satisfactory, if you like where you're living, whether you have enough emotional support through friends and family, and how much you are enjoying your life. Reflecting on your circumstances allows you to identify what is going well in your life so you can be grateful and also what needs to change. Identifying the problems is the first step in making changes that result in good mental health and emotional well-being.

Emotional well-being won’t just happen on it’s own. You have to be proactive to cultivate and maintain your positive emotional well-being.

Reference: Kahneman D, Deaton A. High income improves evaluation of life but not emotional well-being. Proc Natl Acad Sci U S A. 2010 Sep 21;107(38):16489-93. doi: 10.1073/pnas.1011492107. Epub 2010 Sep 7. PMID: 20823223; PMCID: PMC2944762.

image from Canva

This blog was originally published on psychologytoday.com on 02/28/2024.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/from-trial-to-triumph/202402/what-is-emotional-well-being-and-how-do-we-get-it

Are You Constantly Struggling? Try Grit.

According to the news, social media, and the American Psychological Association (APA), more people are struggling with anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions than ever before. In response, numerous articles and research studies have been published suggesting the best ways to improve mental health. While there isn’t just one thing that we need to do to protect our mental health, or improve it, 18 years of clinical experience has taught me that some strategies work better than others, and some of them are more important. I believe in the power of resilience, which is the ability to bounce back from hardship with strength and tenacity. One essential and specific factor that is part of resilience is called grit. 

Defined as the ability to endure hardship, possessing more grit increases our tolerance for difficult circumstances without stealing our hope that things will get better. Some people naturally possess more grit, and they seem to be able to endure a lot of hardship without it breaking their spirit. But grit is something that you can work to increase, and doing so helps build resistance to depression, anxiety, and other mental health challenges. 

In her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, Angela Duckworth discusses how to be gritty. She argues that the ability to endure hardship is part of what constitutes grit, but you also have to have a goal: something that you’re passionate about. While Duckworth focuses on how grit can help you achieve success, as a therapist, I’m interested in how grit can be used to improve mental health.  

If you’re currently experiencing hardship, practicing the following strategies can help you increase your grit to get you through this difficult time while retaining hope and ultimately improving your overall mental health. 

Accept that having grit takes effort

Sometimes you have to be persistent and keep going even if you don’t feel like it. Life isn’t fair, and it often involves more tough times than easy times. In the end, this makes the rewards and the triumphs even sweeter. But we have to get through the process first. This means we have to put on a symbolic suit of armor and remind ourselves on the hardest days that we can do hard things. 

Let go of grudges, mistakes, and disappointments

People with grit must be forward thinkers. Take notes and learn from your mistakes, but let go of the negative thoughts and feelings. Dwelling on past mistakes or broken relationships does not serve a productive purpose in improving your life or your mental health.

Always have a goal in mind

You don’t have to come up with a life-defining goal right now. Perhaps you just want to make it through the days without feeling terrible, or you’d like to have several consecutive days without a panic attack. Those examples are a fair place to start. You can also identify something small you’d like to accomplish. It doesn’t have to be running a marathon or starting your own company. Maybe it’s going to work more days than not or finishing a project that you started. Keeping goals in mind gives our brain a place to focus other than our troubles.

Find a passion that can be your purpose

While nothing may immediately come to mind, think about what you want to get out of life. Find a purpose, whether it’s related to your career, an opportunity to serve others as a volunteer, or a hobby. Find something that you love and pour your energy into it. Having a passion and a purpose gives you a reason to wake up every morning and feel enthusiastic about the day ahead. It also helps you focus on the harder days.

Enduring hardship is definitely an important part of grit, but no one can continuously withstand difficult circumstances without something to feel hopeful about. The strategies listed above can help you find hope through purpose and positivity, and then you’ll feel strong enough to be ready for life’s next challenge.

Photo by Fabrizio Conti on Unsplash

This blog was originally posted on Psychology Today 12/20/23. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/from-trial-to-triumph/202312/are-you-constantly-struggling-try-grit

How to Get the Most Out of Therapy

In her book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Lori Gottlieb makes a very good case for going to therapy to deal with life‘s problems. She talks about her own therapy and why it’s important to consider therapy rather than dealing with one’s challenges on your own. The book was a best seller, and her case for therapy convinced thousands of people to give it a try.

While it’s great that more people are going to therapy to get help, they often don’t know what to do when they get there. Friends and clients alike tell me that they didn’t know what to talk about, their therapist just sat and listened and nodded, and they felt like it was a waste of time and money. 

As a psychologist, this is obviously discouraging to hear. This is why my first session with new clients not only gathers background information about them, but it educates them about therapy. I like to give them some things to consider so they use their time and therapy well, whether it’s six sessions, six months, or six years. Because some clients are having their first experience with therapy when they come into my office, I consider it a priority to help them understand how therapy can be helpful and how it looks different than talking to a friend. I like to call it a roadmap because most people who make the initial phone call to schedule an appointment have decided they should be in therapy, but it’s my job to help them learn what to do once they get there and how to make it productive. 

Here are some steps you can take to create your own roadmap for therapy. 

Find someone that you like talking to 

Not everybody can pick any therapist they want. If you can go out of network and get reimbursed or can pay out of pocket, you can chose your favorite out of as many therapists as you can find. If you’re limited by your health insurance network, you may only have a few to chose from. But within those limitations, it’s still important to pick the best therapist for you. 

Once you’ve identified somebody that is a practical, good choice, make sure that you enjoy talking to them. Therapy will be a chore if you don’t feel like you’re connecting or that they understand you. Ask questions on the first visit to make sure they have knowledge of the issues you would like to discuss, and ask how they conduct therapy to make sure you are comfortable with it. For example, some therapists just talk to you and expect you to bring up subjects that you would like to discuss. Other therapists are more interactive, giving advice or using theoretical orientations for which they’ve been trained, such as cognitive behavior therapy. Learn as much as you can about the way that they practice so that you can make a decision about whether to keep looking. 

I advise people to give the same therapist at least three sessions because sometimes it’s hard to fit in all your questions and gather all your info on the first visit.

Identify how you want to use therapy

There are a number of ways that you can use therapy. Ask yourself what you want to accomplish. 

Many people are quite content to go to therapy for an indefinite amount of time and have a safe space to talk about their feelings and thoughts. They may not have anyone at home that can be their unbiased sounding board. Many people also want to find solutions to their challenges, or they want to learn how to behave differently and change patterns of behavior that are unhealthy. Still others want to learn specific skills to cope with difficult and negative thoughts and emotions. Each of these goals for therapy is valuable, and there are therapists out there who can help with all of these things.

 It’s possible that you may not be completely sure how you want to use therapy, so that gives you a good opportunity to ask your therapist for guidance. Explain to them what is hard about your life and what challenges you are facing. A good therapist will help you brainstorm and figure out how you want to get started in making positive changes, or they will validate your desire to talk about subjects that are difficult to discuss with members of your family or your friends.

Think about your therapy when you’re not in session

Many clients have told me that from one session to the next they don’t think about what we’ve discussed or even remember what we discussed. I explain to them that they will find therapy more valuable if they reflect on things that have been discussed in between sessions. If it’s hard for them to remember from one session to the next, I recommend they take notes during the session. Therapy often leads to a process of change for clients, and it becomes harder to make changes if they don’t connect what they’ve talked about in therapy with what happens in the real world. 

Clients also come to the sessions saying it’s hard for them to remember the important things that have happened since the last session. In these cases, I recommend the clients take notes on what happens outside of therapy, so when they come to a session they can describe situations that may have affected them emotionally. Some clients choose to get a “therapy notebook“ where they keep their reflections after sessions and topics for future discussions, so when they come to therapy, they have material to discuss.

Come prepared to be present for the entire session

Some people say it’s hard for them to tune out their lives and make time for therapy sessions. They arrive at the appointment and their phone constantly buzzes with texts and emails. In order for therapy to be helpful, it has to own a space on your calendar. Schedule regular appointments, arrive on time, and turn off your devices while you are in session. Some therapists will start the session with a mindfulness meditation, which can be helpful in tuning out distractions so that you can be fully present in the moment. If your therapist doesn’t offer this, you could ask them about it, or you could do a brief meditation yourself in the waiting room. Feeling distracted during therapy makes it harder to remember what you discussed afterwards, and it may affect your opinion of the value of therapy.

While therapists vary in their level of expertise and experience, the quality of the therapist is not the only reason therapy may not feel valuable. Think about what you’d like to get from therapy and make a plan. Be intentional, and therapy can be a valuable tool in improving the quality of your life and your relationships.

This blog was originally posted on Psychology Today.

image from Canva

Five ways to improve the effectiveness of coping strategies

Many therapists talk about coping strategies. Developing healthy ways to deal with stress, anxiety, pain, depression, and difficult circumstances is a key component of evidence based practices for mental health. While talking about our problems can be useful, it is generally believed by professionals that clients must learn tangible strategies to respond to their thoughts and emotions. These strategies range from meditation and breathing exercises to writing down and challenging our negative thoughts. Cognitive-Behavior Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) are two interventions that teach coping strategies to clients so they can better manage their intense emotions and learn how to respond, rather than react, to stressful situations and interactions.

Often, though, I hear from my clients that the coping strategies aren’t working. People become frustrated after trying a few times to implement new strategies without success. Sometimes, this is because they haven’t given them enough of a chance. Whenever we are trying something new, we’ve got to give ourselves time to practice it. Additionally, it can be hard to believe that coping strategies will work, especially when we’ve been reacting the same way for a long time. It seems difficult to believe that doing something as simple as pausing to take deep breaths could be helpful. But it’s important to keep trying new ways of coping with our feelings to improve our mental health. Here are some things to consider when it seems like nothing that your therapist suggests is working. 

1. Observe what you are thinking and feeling, when a coping skill hasn’t worked. For example, you tried taking deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling slowly. When you finished, you felt irritated and said to yourself “I don’t feel any better.” Respond to these negative thoughts or judgments about how it went by reminding yourself that it takes time to acquire a new skill. You can also remind yourself not to judge and that some experiences will be more helpful than others. 

2. Set realistic expectations. You don’t want to evaluate the success of coping strategies by how quickly you notice feeling different. Even after new strategies have been helpful, they won’t be as helpful every time. Sometimes, you’ll notice that you feel different right away. At other times, you will wonder whether the coping strategies make a difference at all. You should think about them as a tool for managing your feelings, and you want multiple tools in your toolbox. If one coping mechanism doesn’t seem to be working in a specific situation, try something else. But don’t evaluate their usefulness by how much they make a difference in one specific moment. 

3. Assess your attitude about using coping strategies. Talk with your therapist about your feelings regarding learning and using coping strategies. If you’re pessimistic about whether they’re helpful from the start, it might affect your expectations and your ability to keep trying them. Think about why you are resistant. You may be afraid that if they don’t work, it will be your fault. Or, perhaps, you are afraid to be hopeful. 

4. Reflect on how coping strategies will improve your quality of life and your relationships. While it may be hard to try new things and to keep trying strategies that are difficult, think about the outcome that you desire. For example, if you’re struggling to manage your anger, you may frequently explode when you’re having a disagreement with someone you care about. It would be great to learn how to respond to your anger and gain control over your emotions so that you can resolve conflicts easily and peacefully. Thinking about the outcome that you desire and the ways that it would change your relationships may motivate you to exert more effort in using new strategies. 

5. Reward yourself for success. Give yourself credit when you get the hang of new coping strategies. Remind yourself that you’re working hard and that you’ve done a good job. Feeling better will be its own reward, but it never hurts to treat yourself for a job well done.  

Even though coping strategies are going to be useful, they aren’t going to work easily and immediately. Learning and implementing new coping strategies is hard, and it’s important to acknowledge that it’s hard. However, if you work at it, you will keep learning and get better at using them.

How to be happy for others, even when you’re unhappy

In a recent blog post, I listed 10 qualities of mentally healthy people. One of the qualities that I mentioned was the ability to be happy for other people, whether we are happy or not.  

I completely understand that this is difficult, and it’s something that most of us have struggled with at one time or another. Being happy for other people, though, is good for our own mental health. It takes us out of our own head and allows us to focus on something besides our own thoughts, feelings, and   problems. Being happy for others, and expressing it to them, also grows our relationships. It’s important for others to know that we care about them and their lives, including what gives them joy. Most people want to be happy for others, but sometimes it’s hard, especially if your own life is full of challenges, and your own happiness seems out of reach. 

I chose to write this blog now because I know the holidays can be hard. It’s a time when many people do feel happy, and they love sharing their photos and experiences with their family and friends. Being happy for others can be especially tough at this time of year. Maybe your best friend gets engaged over the holidays and you feel lonely. Or you would like to have children, and you receive a holiday card with a picture of your friends and their children, smiling, and having a great time. It is possible to achieve genuine happiness for others and to become a part of their joy. Here are some suggestions.

Feeling happy for others doesn’t invalidate your own struggles

When we feel sad, anxious, and dissatisfied with the status of our lives, it’s easy to get stuck in those feelings. But it is possible, and mentally healthy, to experience both negative and positive emotions at once. Sharing in the happiness of others doesn’t change our own circumstances or emotions, but it can give us a break from them. Take some time to celebrate the milestones of friends and family, even if you don’t feel celebratory. Most of the time, our loved ones do not expect us to be euphoric over their happiness when we are having a hard time. But we may be surprised at how our mood can change when people we love are doing well.       

Reflect on how things change over time

Spend some time thinking about what others have gone through. Most people are not constantly happy nor do things always work out for them. In fact, feeling happy for the successes and joys of others can remind us that circumstances change. At least some of our friends and family have probably gone through hard times as well. Seeing how the lives of others change over time can be encouraging. The friend who was unemployed now has a new job. The sibling that was single has found a partner that makes them happy. Even though the happy news of others is not about us, the ways that the lives of others change gives us hope for our future. 

Challenge negative thoughts regarding the happiness of others

When it’s been a while since we’ve had happy news to share, it’s easy to get into a negative spiral with our own thoughts. But this makes it harder for us to be happy for others, and it ultimately doesn’t do us any good either. For example, we may think that some people have all of the good luck. Or we may wonder how others are able to get things they want when it feels like our own life is always challenging. Not only do these thoughts prevent us from being happy for others, they keep us stuck with a negative cycle in our own head. We must catch ourselves in this spiral and offer alternatives that are healthier. For instance, we can say things like “my turn is coming“ or “It’s good to see things work out.” Generate thoughts that get your brain out of the spin cycle of negativity. 

Express happiness to your friends out loud

Even if you’re not sure you’re feeling up to it, call your friend to congratulate them for their good news. Send a text to thank someone for the lovely holiday card, even if it reminds you they have a family you don’t have yet. It isn’t necessary to make a grand gesture if you’re not feeling up to it. But a small gesture to let them know that you care about their happiness and well-being will accomplish both the goal of strengthening your relationship and reminding you that good things come to us in time. 

Being happy for others does not and should not take away our own pain and suffering. But it’s important to keep exercising that muscle to keep our emotions balanced and to preserve healthy relationships. 

Photo by Dominic Sansotta on Unsplash

This blog was originally posted on psychologytoday.com on December 9, 2022. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/trial-triumph/202212/how-be-happy-others-even-when-you-re-unhappy

How to be more resilient: Five ways to bounce back from hard times

Everyone faces adversity during their lifetime. We live in a world full of challenges and obstacles to overcome. Some people face more adversity than others, though, and it can become hard to make sense of these disparities. However, we can shift our focus away from other people towards overcoming our own obstacles and channeling our experiences into personal growth. We can become stronger, and we can refuse to let hard times keep us from reaching our potential in living our best lives. Below are five ways to keep fighting the good fight and build your resilience when the going gets tough.

1. Declare that life is not fair. You probably already realize this. But it’s important to say it out loud and keep it in the forefront of your mind when you’re going through a trial. Some people seem to never struggle, and some people get everything they want. Ruminating on this fact will not help you conquer adversity. It will perpetuate the cycle of negative thinking and lead to a cynical attitude. Accept that life is not fair, but that things often do work out with time and effort.

2. Rethink how you feel about adversity. If you’ve experienced what seems like more than your fair share of adversity, this will be difficult. But thinking about adversity as the means by which you grow stronger, build resilience, and learn how to problem solve will decrease your fear of struggles in the future. If you aren’t afraid of what the future holds because you have the tools and the attitude to boldly face it, it becomes less daunting. You then have the agency to take adversity on with optimism instead of telling yourself you can’t handle it.

3. Collect your resources. Everyone has coping mechanisms that work best for them—people in their circle they can trust to support them, and personal attributes that help them get through dark times. You may not know your own capacity, so give some thought to what your superpowers are. For example, maybe you have a great social support network that you can access, or you make friends easily and can increase your support system. Perhaps you are athletic or physically strong, and that allows you to be healthy and alert. Maybe you have great analytical skills. Everyone has strengths they can access and build on. Finding yours during hard times will improve your self-confidence and empower you.

4. Reflect on past challenges that you have overcome. Remembering how you’ve gotten through difficulties in the past and how you navigated them can be a helpful tool and give you more hope and courage. If you find yourself struggling in ways that you’ve never experienced or to a degree that you haven’t faced before, it can still be helpful to reflect on things that you’ve conquered big or small. You want to remember that you have agency, and that you can persevere.

5. Identify something in your life that is stable/positive. Even during dark times in life, there is almost always something that we can count on. It may be a relationship with a relative, friend, or partner. Perhaps it’s a job that we love. It could be a secure home or living arrangement. Maybe it’s even a hobby that we enjoy. Remind yourself of the things that you can count on when there are a lot of changes going on around you or you are uncertain about the future.

Many of us have gone through circumstances where it feels like the only thing to do is raise the white flag and ask for mercy. You don’t feel like you have an ounce of strength left, and you want to ignore the world and pretend it’s not happening. Remember that most circumstances are temporary, and even if they include a permanent change, you can find the strength and resources to grow and evolve. You’ll never learn how strong and resilient you really are until you face adversity. Instead of hiding under the covers, change your mindset and tell yourself that you’re ready to go.

This blog was originally posted on psychologytoday.com on Nov. 7, 2022.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/trial-triumph/202211/5-ways-bounce-back-hard-times

Photo by Kristjan Kotar on Unsplash 

Five Things You Should Know About Depression

Because the prevalence of depression and mood disorders in the United States has risen dramatically since 2020, understanding depression is more important than ever. It is necessary for those who are suffering from depression, and those who love them, to be educated about the symptoms, the best practices for treatment, and how loved ones and their community can support them. Below are five important facts to know about depression.                            

1. Not everyone who is depressed cries or has tearful outbursts. When people hear the word “depression,” the first image that comes to mind is somebody crying and continuously feeling sad. This can be true, but it is not always the case. Research shows that sadness and tearfulness are not necessarily obvious symptoms, especially for men. Many people suffer silently, not expressing their emotions. Others become angry as an outlet for their depression. The way that depression manifests takes many forms.

2. Trying to be positive does not cure depression. If you suffer from depression, or you know someone who does, you may have heard people saying how critical it is to keep a positive attitude, look on the bright side of life, or be grateful for what you have. While these statements are technically true for all of us, they can be incredibly frustrating for somebody who is suffering. Having depression is not like flipping a switch. You can’t get up one day and decide that you don’t have it anymore. Simply deciding to be positive is not the answer, and it will not make depression go away.

3. Depression can lead to physical pain and illness. Depression not only affects our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, but it also affects our bodies. People with depression can and often do experience chronic physical symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, bodily aches and pains, and fatigue. In some cases, chronic depression is related to worse outcomes in physical conditions such as heart disease, gastrointestinal conditions, and a compromised immune system. It does not cause these conditions but can affect how well the body tolerates them and responds to medical treatment.

4. Unless you’ve experienced depression yourself, you won’t fully understand its impact. This idea can be very frustrating for those who love and support someone who is depressed. But clinical depression is not the same experience as feeling down, having a bad week or having a negative attitude about life. It’s a mental health condition that can be serious and chronic and affect the person mentally and physically. Mental health treatment is essential for treating depression, rather than merely exercising, eating healthier, or thinking positive thoughts. Sometimes, people who have struggled with depression for decades still believe they should be over it completely and must be doing something wrong. The best thing you can do for yourself or for someone that you love is to understand that depression is a complex condition that requires intervention by a qualified professional.

5. Depression can be successfully treated but won’t be “cured.” The most evidence-based treatment for depression is cognitive therapy. Many people also benefit from medication. Therapy and medication will allow people with depression to function in their daily lives, to return to the activities they used to enjoy, and overall to feel like they’re capable of living the life they hoped to live. But treatment will not make someone permanently symptom free, and it cannot erase the mental and physical effects of being depressed.

Now that you know these five things, if you think you are depressed, you should talk to a mental health professional. If you’re in treatment and expecting to be completely well, talk to your existing provider about how your treatment is going, what you both can do to make it most effective, and understand the potential limits. Consider communicating honestly with those around you about how depression affects you, so people are aware of how intrusive and impactful depression can be.

If you’re loving and supporting people with depression, talk to your loved ones and let them know that you want to understand. Offer compassion without assumptions. Find evidence-based resources, including scholarly articles, to deepen your understanding.

Anyone impacted by depression should be open to learning more about it rather than assuming they know everything.

This blog was originally posted on psychologytoday.com on Nov. 7, 2022.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/trial-triumph/202211/5-things-you-should-know-about-depression

Photo by Fernando @cferdophotography on Unsplash

How to Stay Mentally Healthy: A Wellness Checklist

We are living during emotionally challenging times. Recently, there has been widespread discussion of the mental health pandemic. More people are seeking mental health services now, and a shortage of providers is hindering their ability to get the help they need.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we can turn our attention more to prevention and early intervention. There will always be a need for mental health services, and people will need to continue seeking therapy, medication, and other resources to address their emotional challenges. However, I wonder what it would look like if we worked to stay on top of our mental health before it reaches a point where we are in a crisis.

The concept that I am referring to is “mental wellness.” Through mental wellness, we can proactively achieve better mental health and protect ourselves from reaching a crisis point that leads to a breakdown in our emotional and psychological functioning.

Below are some questions to ask yourself, and some steps to take in creating your own mental wellness checklist.

1. Assess how you are feeling right now. There has recently been talk of primary care doctors conducting mental health screenings. But you don’t have to wait until you go to the doctor to find out how you’re feeling. Are you feeling anxious or depressed? If you aren’t sure, Google “What is anxiety?” or “What is depression?” and there will be no shortage of articles and blogs to help you find out (check to make sure the source you're reading is credible). Increase your awareness of what you are feeling and the extent to which it is affecting your functioning. If you decide that you are feeling anxious, for example, rate the severity of your anxiety on a scale from 1 to 10. A lower rating means you are a little bit anxious, and a higher rating indicates greater anxiety.

2. Determine how much your emotional state affects your daily functioning. Sticking with the example of anxiety, does the level of anxiety that you experience prevent you from living your life the way you want? It may affect multiple areas of your life, so make a list of those areas and think about how each area is affected specifically by your anxiety. If there are things that you would be doing, or relationships you might pursue if it weren’t for your anxiety, make note of those, as well. Everyone experiences anxiety sometimes, same for sadness or fatigue. But the extent to which those experiences affect our lives determines whether we need to do something about them. If several areas of your life are affected by how you are feeling, it is time to act. It’s never too soon to reach out to a therapist, but sometimes it’s easier to start by talking to a trusted friend or family member. Then, you can determine if you need more help than friends and family can provide.

3. Identify your sources of social support. A big part of mental wellness is knowing that you have people who love and care about you. There may be people around you that you haven’t thought of that you could talk to, or even invite out for coffee or a meal. If you need to talk to someone about the way you are feeling, and you’re having trouble coming up with who to talk to from your circle of friends and family, it may be time to increase your social support.  If you have trouble finding a confidant, this could be an area to explore with a therapist.             

4. Think about what you are looking forward to in the future. If you don’t have anything planned, maybe it’s time to put something on the calendar. Plan to do an activity that you enjoy, or invite a friend to do something. Having experiences to look forward to on the calendar, as well as taking the concrete steps necessary to make sure that they happen, can make the harder days more bearable.

5. Think about what you need to do to take better care of yourself. Determining how you feel and how it affects your functioning is the first important step. Assessing your resources and social support and identifying things that you look forward to are additional measures on your mental wellness checklist. Once you have addressed those items, you have enough information to figure out what’s missing. Then, figuring out what to do to take better care of yourself might mean filling in the gaps. Improving our self-care looks different for all of us. Sometimes, we need to increase our social support network to feel less alone. Other times, we just need to plan ahead so that we have activities we can enjoy, so the days don’t feel like a blur and we can lead a fuller life. But self-care doesn’t happen automatically: we have to be intentional.

It is possible to proactively create a mental wellness checklist that will allow us to stay on top of our emotions and create better experiences. This does not mean that our mental health will always be optimal, because life throws us a lot of curveballs. However, it does mean that we will recognize sooner that we are struggling and we will have some tools to increase our resilience so that we can live our best lives.

If you get to the end of your mental wellness checklist and there are items that you don’t have and feel like you can’t provide for yourself, then it’s time to seek professional help.

This blog was originally posted on Psychology Today on Friday, September 29, 2022.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash.