In preparing to write this blog, I had to mentally prepare myself to share what may be an unpopular viewpoint about modern parenting. Additionally, I needed to prepare myself for the blow back about the fact that I am not a parent. (I did not choose to be childless, but that’s a topic more appropriate for a different blog post.) Regardless, I earned a PhD in clinical psychology with a specialization in children and adolescents. I’ve worked with children professionally for over 20 years, and I’ve seen hundreds of positive outcomes based on my training.
The purpose of this blog is to discuss how parents sometimes emphasize a connection with their child that resembles friendship rather than taking on a disciplinary parental role. Setting more boundaries as a parent will help you raise children who are emotionally stable, well-adjusted, and have a good character.
I have a great deal of empathy for those who are parents today. There are new challenges with every generation that haven’t needed to be addressed previously, and there are a lot of aspects of modern life to juggle. Below are some factors that both research and clinical practice consistently indicate are positively related to raising mentally strong and healthy children.
Trust is essential. From the moment they are born, parents should invest in earning and maintaining their child’s trust. Children must believe their caregiver has their best interest at heart, will consistently be available to them, and genuinely love them. No one can be with their child all the time: they just need to know that you are there for them when they need help, comfort, or compassion. You can demonstrate this through physical affection, emotional expressions of affection, and consistent efforts to be present, especially when they need you the most. Children form close attachments to their primary caregivers in the earlier stage of life.
Unconditional love must be expressed. Children need to know their parents always love them, even when their behavior must be addressed. If you tell them that you love them regularly, and show them affection, they will most likely know that you love them. When you get upset with them or need to correct them, they will not immediately react by thinking that you don’t love them anymore.
Be consistent. There are a few behaviors that lead to greater confusion among children than when their parents behave inconsistently toward them. Implement the same forms of discipline and consequences each time they misbehave. Communicate with them, as is age-appropriate, about what consequences will result from their behavior and why you are taking certain actions.
Establish and maintain good boundaries around their behavior. The preceding recommendations are all the foundation of this one. If your child trusts you, if they know that you love them unconditionally, and if you are consistent, then giving them boundaries around their behavior will not create confusion or mistrust in their relationship with you. In my practice, I meet parents that seem afraid to discipline their children, but discipline doesn’t have to be harsh to be effective. One of the most important things you can do as a parent is to teach them that the world is not only about meeting their needs. While they are certainly deserving of love and affection, there are times when you will have to say no. There are times when you need to speak to them in a serious and firm voice because their behavior is inappropriate or their emotions are uncontrolled. They need to grow up understanding which settings are appropriate for certain behaviors and which settings require more refined behaviors. This doesn’t mean they don’t get to be themselves or that they serve to please other people all of the time. But none of us, as adults, will be accepted if we insist on our own way, are constantly demanding, or do not consider the perspectives of other people.
The style of parenting discussed in the above suggestions is known as authoritative parenting.The term “authoritative” may mislead parents to think the focus is on being a harsh disciplinarian. Rather, authoritative parenting combines a loving and affectionate attachment style with boundary setting. Boundaries teach your children that their behavior determines their outcomes. For example, they can earn privileges, such as using the iPad, or experience the consequence of not earning iPad use for that day. If they have a bad day, they get a new start the next day. Teaching your children how their behavior interacts with the world around them will teach them to be aware of themselves and of others.
Even more importantly, it teaches them to tolerate negative emotions and builds resilience. If you can’t stand to see your child upset and you do everything in your power to calm them down, you aren’t involving them in the process. You are sending an albeit unintentional message that they don’t have control and that you have to constantly help them make things right. While it may be difficult to hear them cry or complain, it’s a fair trade off to know that sometime in the future, they will be able to tolerate their own tears and know that eventually they will be OK. They can have their emotions, but their behavior matters not only for their own consequences but for those around them. This is a great gift you can give them.
Here are a couple of resources to give parents guidance on providing loving discipline and boundaries:
No Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel
Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Foster Cline
Photo by Jessica Rockowitz on Unsplash