If you feel like there are times when your emotions quickly escalate and spin out of control, it may also feel like there's nothing you can do about it. Perhaps others have told you that you are "overreacting" to situations that typically do not evoke such intense feelings. But being told by others to "calm down" feels dismissive to you, and it invalidates your strong emotions.
The problem with intense emotions that quickly escalate is that they often result in behavior that people later regret. After they've had a chance to calm down and reflect, they realize that they may have overreacted. Or, even if not, they realize that they may have done damage to their relationships or burned bridges. This kind of intense emotional reaction, known as emotional dysregulation, can also prevent people from solving problems.
Distress tolerance has become a popular approach to addressing emotional dysregulation. It is broadly defined as the ability to withstand negative and often intense emotions in response to adverse events. These events could be physical discomfort, confrontations with others, or difficult decisions that have been made. Distress tolerance is often referred to in the context of dialectical behavior therapy, or DBT, which is a comprehensive approach to treating emotional dysregulation and impulsive behavior.
Distress tolerance allows you to be honest about your emotions while still keeping them in check. It helps you to become more accepting of things that are out of your control. The strategies are not simple or easy. It takes time and patience to consistently and confidently tolerate distress. But once you have, you'll feel much more equipped to handle unexpected stressors, difficult conversations, and uncomfortable environments.
Building distress tolerance includes physical strategies, cognitive strategies, and emotional strategies.
Physical strategies include lowering your body temperature to regulate your nervous system. You can put cold compresses on your forehead or stand in front of a fan if you are warm. The point is to lower your blood pressure and heart rate, which then allows your nervous system to become calmer. Other examples of physical strategies are mindfulness, meditations, and body scans. Or just taking slow, deep breaths, paying attention to your body as you breathe.
Cognitive strategies include recognizing that your thoughts are temporary and not every thought is equal in importance or accuracy. You accept that you will have many thoughts that are unhelpful or unproductive. The point of this is to remind yourself that thoughts and reality are not always the same, and that you don't want to give thoughts more power than they deserve.
Emotional strategies restore a calmer state of mind. Your brain needs to do this to understand that you have the power to become less reactive and to choose how to respond in difficult situations. Although it may seem impossible, sometimes you can change your emotional temperature as well as your physical temperature. If you're feeling distraught, try to think of something that you're grateful for. Or remember a time when you felt good or a person who made you feel that way. Recognize that emotions are temporary and what you currently feel is not the way you always feel. You can even distract yourself by watching a humorous show, listening to music that you enjoy, or talking to someone who is encouraging.
People who learn effective ways to tolerate distress say that it's a game changer. They feel like they have control of their life back, and they can feel confident in navigating hard circumstances with the awareness that things change all the time. They have hope for a meaningful life that includes healthy relationships.
We've only scratched the surface on how to achieve distress tolerance. For more suggestions and a deeper understanding of the topic, I recommend Marsha Linehan’s book Building a Life Worth Living.
This blog was originally posted on pyschologytoday.com.
Photo by Andrea Cassani on Unsplash