We had just returned from visiting my parents for Thanksgiving. I looked forward to relaxing and watching Elf — one of my favorite holiday films. I felt peaceful and happy, as I planned decorating and other festivities. Then, the commercial began. A family looking through holiday video clips came upon a memory of their grandma, who apparently had passed away since last year. Cue the music from the movie Up, and my tear ducts started freely flowing. I couldn’t stop for ten minutes. The commercial stirred in me memories of Christmases past with loved ones no longer with us. It also stirred grief in anticipation of future Christmases without my parents. This was not the relaxing experience I had anticipated.
Although the commercial triggered emotions that were inconvenient for what I had planned, I recovered and the evening resumed. In fact, I felt a comforting release after the tears. But left to my own devices, I would have chosen to avoid uncomfortable feelings. We all engage in emotional avoidance sometimes, because we want everything to feel ok. We make black-and-white statements about how situations should feel. Relaxation shouldn’t be interrupted with negative feelings, we say. The holidays are supposed to be happy. It is the most wonderful time of the year, we hear everywhere during the holiday season.
The reality is that, most of the time, we experience mixed feelings. Circumstances can and do evoke several different emotions at once. We may feel happy on our wedding day, but a tinge of sadness that some family aren’t in attendance. It’s the same on holidays. We may feel joyful in celebrating the season with loved ones as we look forward to our favorite traditions. But we also feel heartbroken as we grieve those who are no longer with us.
Give yourself the gift of feeling everything this season. Rather than working hard to avoid negative feelings and expending a great deal of energy doing so, consider accepting all of the emotions that surface. Rather than setting high expectations for how extraordinary everything should be and how much joy it should bring, wait to see how you feel. Acknowledge the joy and the pain of this holiday season. Reflect on and be grateful for all of your experiences. The memories that trigger tears can then be cherished, instead of avoided. The anxiety that you accept and power through will bring you relief and build resilience.
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash